Feeling old.

I feel old. I feel like I have so much worry and stress built up that I don't possibly know how much more I can cram in.  I have lost two very important people in my life in the last three years and I think in the back of my mind I feel like I have lost a sense of security I didn't really know I had when they were still here.  I know that this is a part of life and of course we have people come and go everyday, but those two people represented a huge chunk of who and why I am the way I am.

What did you just say?

Hey folks,
Long time no post.  A few things have changed since the last time I posted...and ironically some things are exactly the same.  Mostly sick kids.  I have come to accept this as a normal way of living here in S. California.  I swear the whole household is more sick than well most of the time.  I have turned toy bins into puke bins when needed, and I have tried most of the childrens cough medicine out there.  I recommend Zarbees all natural honey cough syrup if your wondering.  I know now that if a kid wakes up fairly early when I am still up watching TV or just relaxing and has something going on that once I get them back in bed to go to bed myself.  Inevitably, if I do not and stay up late they will be up all night, and me with them.  If I go to bed right away I usually get sleep most of the night.  Just the nature of things I suppose.  So on we battle, amidst colds and flu's and a kidney issue thrown in every once in a while to keep me on my toes. 

One major thing that has changed is me being pregnant...again.  This time we received a bit of a shock when we went in for my first ultrasound at 20 weeks only to discover there are two babies instead of one...pause for affect.  A boy and a girl.  I spent the remainder of my appointment in total silence and the walk back to the truck with only a mild panic attack, but I am since doing better and trying my best to prepare for what I can only assume is going to be total and utter chaos.  A five year old, a three year old and two newborns.  Hahahahahaha...that's nervous laughter btw.  The good news is that I just went in for my first twin specialist appointment and the babies look really good.  They are both a little over a pound each and everything else looks A-okay.  Fingers crossed it stays this way and they continue to gain weight like they should.  After extensive research about twins I now know they are often premature and delivered by c-section.  Being a mom of two 8lbs babies this totally has me freaked out.  Also after delivering both of them normally the thought of having someone hack into my lower regions like I am a Jack the Ripper victim makes me want to vom a little.  Yes I know I am being dramatic, but I seriously do not want to have a c-section.  I guess I will just have to take it one day at a time, and hope everything will work out the way it is supposed too.  Divine plan and all that.  My general nature however is to stress and worry something until I'm sick.  I can thank my Dad for that one as he was the same way.  We have decided on names for the babies.  Jovie Marie for our first girl and Jace Steven for the new baby boy. :-) I guess I will try to keep this thing updated for the rest of my pregnancy.  I am almost 23 weeks so we have a few months to go.

We have a very quick sprint trip to Nevada coming up next weekend for my little brothers graduation.  That makes me feel old.  I am very proud of him, he made it through four years at one of the top private schools in Nevada, a feat that I probably would not have been able to accomplish.  I love that kid to death and can't wait to cheer him on as he gets his diploma.  Lots of family and laughs to follow.  It will be Fri driving eight hours and then Sun driving home eight hours, yuck.  Wish we could stay longer for that reason.  I will take what family time I can get though.  I get to miss out on our annual Burney Falls camping trip again this year.  Boooo.  The best camping trip with friends and family.  We go up for a full week and play on the lake and enjoy good company.  The first year I went I was pregnant with Gavin but only about three or four months along.  The next year I had a two year old and an eight month old, but still had a blast.  Our third year the boys were a year and a half and three and a half.  I missed last year, could not afford it and it was Jeremy and I 5 year anniversary that same week.  This year I had every intention of going until I found out I have not one but two babies in the oven.  I am already uncomfortable, I can't imagine another month and a half what I will look and feel like but I can bet I wont want to sleep on a cot for a week.  Plus the whole driving eight plus hours by myself that Jeremy and my doctor kinda axed.  I will miss out on seeing our good friends and my bestie Mo since they moved to Seattle...sad face.  There is always next year though.  Nothing like attempting to camp with a six year old a four year old and two almost one year old's.  Hahahaha..haha..ha..ha....nervous laughter is back.  Good times ahead for the Harding clan, busy, chaotic, good times ahead. :-) 
Take care everyone

New Year Same ol' Stuff

So I am sitting here watching Loony Tunes wondering about the craziness of life and coming to the conclusion .  My youngest woke up last night with a flu bug that had been going around the household. About a half hour after ringing in the new year of 2012, and apparently Gavin already doesn't approve.  I suppose its only a few more days before the oldest gets it because you know sharing is caring.  My Mom and Step Pops and little Brother are here visiting from Reno.  Really the timing of everything couldn't be better.  This is the true joys of Parenthood.  When your strung out tired from being up all night, catching barf, cleaning barf, smelling barf, you realize somewhere in there that things are bigger than you.  More important than yourself, because a good parent never stops. You want to sometimes, believe me you want to throw in the towel and say I can't do this.  It takes too much of me.  It's scary to be completely vulnerable and kids will do that to you.  They expose every single flaw you have in yourself because these are little tiny minds and bodies that your shaping in your image and frankly I don't feel like I deserve such a privilege sometimes.  Who am I to create people, I am a nobody, that has done nothing of terrible importance.  I stumble through my day to day life and question every single thing I do as a parent.  Is it right, is this the norm, I should do this, I shouldn't do that.  It's emotionally exhausting some days but, still we press on. 
It's gonna be a long day, I think I need a hug.  Going on three hours of sleep and no coffee has made me introspective and really no good can come of that. On a side note watching Loony tunes with Kedrick has made me have small flashbacks of my own childhood and smile a little.  Something about old school is just awesome.  Cartoons now days suck.  Who doesn't love Loony Tunes, Tom and Jerry, and then Duck Tales, Tale Spin, Gummie Bears.  Now it's Sponge Bob and that crazy show with the dude and his orange fro.  That shit is scary and I refuse to let the kids watch some of it.  Anyhoo there is some of my thoughts this first morning of the new year.  Gavin just woke up so we are probably gearing up for barf session three. 
Keep on keeping on people and remember it's not all about you.  Something we All need to remember.  I will do my best to post more often in this. 
Kelley